Confessions #3: The Great Copier Heaven In The Sky

Confessions of a Former Church Secretary #3


By Linda A. Knowles

Brother Vincent, an elder in the church, grunted a hello at Poppy. He came over to her as she was throwing out a copier. When he saw what she was doing, he stood between her and the copier and sternly raised his voice, “Poppy, what are you doing?! Copiers cost a lot of money! Don’t you understand this?! You cannot throw this away!”

“But, Brother Vincent, it’s broken. Even the Copier Repair Man couldn’t resuscitate this thing. It prints globs of black ink on the paper and it failed every test the Copier Repair Man gave it. There is no redemption for this copier. “

But Brother Vincent insisted, “Call the Copier Guy again and have him come to fix it.”

“Brother Vincent, it would cost another $600.00 to get the Copier Repair Man back out here. They sent out what’s called a Specialist Copier Repair Man already. He said and I’m quoting the Specialist. He said, ‘How do I break this to you gently, Poppy? Your Copier has passed from this life into its next life to the Great Copier Heaven in the sky.'”

“So it’s not good then?”

“No, Brother Vincent, I’m sorry, but this copier is as dead as a doorknob.”

Brother Vincent was quiet for a moment as she could see he was thinking, “We may one day need to use this copier. So put it back in storage.”

“Brother Vincent, we have no storage room and it’s broken.”

“Well it prints. It just prints with globs of black ink. So it prints just not correctly so it’s still good. Just put it in storage. Do what I said,” he then left the office.

Pastor Grant came in and saw Poppy puzzled as she was putting the copier in the other room, “Didn’t you move that same copier out here to get rid of it?”

“Yes, Pastor.”

“Then, why are you moving it back to the other room?”

“Pastor Grant, Brother Vincent is 90 years old, and I have to respect my elders. I’m trying to make sure that if he strokes out that it is not because of me. It has to be because you told him the copier has got to go. Besides, you’re the Pastor. He has to listen to you.”

Confessions #2: Look How Well It Worked For Him.

Confessions of a Former Church Secretary #2


By Linda A. Knowles

Wally came in for his work shift at the church. He was busy getting the trash from the administrative offices. Wally looked distraught so Poppy, who was sitting at her desk doing paperwork, figured she might as well ask, “Wally, what’s wrong?”

Wally looked at her, “Well, Ma’am, I’ve tried everything. I tried being a garbage man. That didn’t work and then I tried being a truck driver. That didn’t work either, and I have had a number of other jobs: What’s the name of that donut shop? It’s like two minutes up the street. I tried food delivery. You get the point. Now I have decided there is only one other thing that I have to try because it’s the only answer.”

Poppy now curious, “So what are you going to be now?”

Wally declared, “I’m going to be a pastor.” Poppy’s mouth hung open and was unable to find any words, “You see, Ma’am, nothing else has worked. So clearly the only right option is for me is to be a pastor.”

Poppy said in complete disbelief, finding her words, “But you hate working! You can’t even show up for your shift on time here at the church! What are you going to do as a Pastor?! You are aware Pastors do work, right?”

He looked at Poppy and spoke rather nonchalantly about being a pastor, “Look at how well it worked for Pastor Grant! He has it made in the shade.” Poppy was shaking her head and looking at Wally at the horror of the image she had of Wally being a pastor as he continued to talk, “I’m serious, Ma’am. Look at how well it worked for him! He sits back in his chair, talks for an hour on Wednesday, talks for an hour on Sunday morning and on Sunday Night. And he rakes in the cash!”

Poppy’s composure was about to give way, but she managed to keep her composure together as Wally continued to talk, “He has no worries, Ma’am! Everything goes well for him,” Poppy found herself tilting her head to the side as she was looking at Wally wondering to herself if she was really hearing what she was hearing as Wally continued to talk, “How difficult can it be to serve communion? Others do it for him. He has everyone doing everything for him. Look at how well it has worked for him! He doesn’t have to do anything. He just comes in, sits back in his chair, and he reads.”

Poppy looked at him, beside herself, “No, no, no, he doesn’t just read…”

Wally interjected, “Yes, Ma’am, he does. I’ve seen him. What would you know about what he does?!”

Poppy looked at him sternly and said, “I’m Pastor Grant’s secretary! Do you have any idea what it takes to be a pastor?! Can you do the preparatory work to be a pastor?! Do you know that being a pastor is a calling not just something to do?! Are you ready to buckle down to study Hermeneutics, Eschatology, Old Testament Survey, New Testament Survey?! Could you even sit long enough to study those and those are not the only other subjects you would have to study?! You think Pastor Grant does nothing! Have you seen his schedule?! He does hospital visits, is the chairman at every board meeting, has to keep up with the state of his flock no matter how many there are! He is on the phone praying with people, attends the week day and even night prayer meetings, meets with ministry leaders on a bi-weekly basis, disciples and mentors about five people at the moment, equips the members of the congregation to evangelize. He does marriage counseling, family counseling, and individual counseling! He leads an evangelism team and goes evangelizing in the inner city! He meets with city officials and serves on the board of the local bible college! So are you really thinking that being a pastor is the right option for you?!”

Wally was scratching his head and seemingly confused, “Ma’am, I have only one question.”

Scowling, Poppy asked, “What’s your question?”

Wally stated, “What do you mean by he has to keep up with the state of his flock?”

Poppy sighed, “Lord, help me.”

Confessions #1: Yeah, but is blood gushing out?

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By Linda A. Knowles

No one knows that the church secretary has many bosses as the church has members! At least that is what some church members think.

Daisy can never forget this one particular day, a member of the church who was named Juniper came up to the reception counter, “Daisy, I want to see the Pastor and I want to see him now.”

Daisy responded, “The Pastor is in prayer right now, but he should be finished in about two hours.”

This answer didn’t make Juniper a happy little camper and she became angry, raising her voice, “It’s an emergency, and you need to do your job and interrupt him now!”

Daisy was puzzled by Juniper’s demand and why she was raising her voice at Daisy who trying not to laugh at Juniper’s facial expressions, and Daisy responded accordingly, “I was told by the the Pastor that he is not to be interrupted by anything short of the building being on fire. Therefore, I cannot interrupt him unless you, someone else, or something has set the building on fire.”

All of sudden Juniper burst through the administrative office door which Daisy had forgotten to lock when Daisy had come in that morning and Juniper slammed the door shut.

“Why don’t you do your job?”

Daisy responded, “I am.” Then Daisy reached over and opened the administrative office door and kindly said, “I would appreciate it if you could please leave the office. I will let him know you stopped by when he is done.”

Clearly from the look on her face Juniper was more angry and so Juniper towered over Daisy, and Daisy just looked at her trying to remain serious and not burst out laughing. Daisy asked her, “Is there a problem?”

Juniper responded, “I pay YOUR salary and I pay tithes, and I expect YOU to do your job. “

Then Daisy proceeded to ask, “Did anyone fall and crack their head open?”

She yelled, “No, what kind of a stupid question is that?!”

Daisy said, “A perfectly legitimate question. Is blood gushing out of anyone because that would constitute an emergency?”

Juniper was exasperated and yelled louder, “DAISY! What is wrong with you? No one is gushing blood and no one needs an ambulance in case that is your next question.”

Daisy said, “I wasn’t going to ask you if anyone was in need of an ambulance. I had to determine the nature of the emergency. However, I was going to ask you if you or if anyone was stroking out or about to stroke out because we have a doctor on the premises right now.”

She screamed, “You are incorrigible.”

Suddenly Daisy burst out laughing, “I may be stubborn and obstinate, but I am not incorrigible.”